B|tteRsWeEt MeMo|rS

"I think I’m paranoid…!" Song title? More like self-title..im down wif paranoia..its killing me..i have no faith in myself, no faith in ezrie, no faith in anyone ard me..
Im so scared..ive been crying alot dis past few weeks..my heart has dis sunken feeling n i hate dat..mcm tkle make it gitu..
i no longer hv dat confidence in myself..neither do i exuberate dat self-confidence which i used to..i’ve become so uptight n i worry alot..i dunno how to explain it..neither do i tink i can explain it here..rite now my only confidante is ezrie..even so, sumtyms i cant reali fully explain to him stuff..stuff which i tink wil hurt him more than they hurt me..i dun wanna be selfish but how do i get dis weight off me..??
Im being pushed off a cliff..my mind’s in shambles n i feel like everytink’s gone wrong for me..how do i make it rite again? I tink i need help..a little assurance and words of encouragement maybe?..i need an emotional overhaul..

I was watching an episode of I PROPOSE just now..the show is basically on how guys find creative and romantic ways to propose to the gurl of their dreams..And so the episode i was watching just now featured this cop who wanted to propose to  his gurlfren who is a kindergarten teacher..she always wanted to become a princess so he created this wonderful fairytale for her..

My tears couldnt stop flowing watching them..ive always wanted to be in my own fairytale..I cried bcos it was like aawww..so romantic and so sweet of him..and I cried bcos i dun tink dat will EVER happen to me..

Honestly, I wish it will but i dun wanna keep my hopes up so high and den fall so hard wen it doesnt happen..i noe his limitations, his difficulties..Trying to realise our dream rite now is already so difficult, wat more to expect sumtink out of dis world..

We’ve been tested so many times, i’m just so tired..At times I really feel like giving up..i dunno who to confide in..and i dun feel rite confiding all these to others..i dun tink dey’ll understand..sum may tink dat im always d strong, independent one..she dont need help, she’ll be fine on her own..she has her fiance..but ppl tend to forget, im also human..i have my difficulties..i have my down days..unfortunately, i cant expect others to always be der for me, to help me and do things for me..

Ultimately, all i can do is learn to trust him more..learn to trust myself more..I really hope i’ll achieve wat ive always wanted all of my life..

Hey me, where have you been for so long? Wat happened to u? Wat has happen to ur life?

I’ve been around..too bz fro my own pleasure, too tired for my own passion and lurve..

I guess dis is wat happens wen u grow up..i wanna be a kid, i wanna b a kid foreva but u n i noe its impossible..with the world as my critique, i have no room to indulge..i hv no room to express myself..i hv no room to BE myself..even now im walking on thin ice..

Is der any way i can be dat old self..try harder? i’ve tried..i’ve failed..doubting the opportunity to be dat self again and enjoy life d way i used to..

I do hope and pray though..someday i will be able to be myself again..to be who i wanna be..to be able to do wat i want without anyone being my critique..without pleasing anybody but MYSELF..

Possible? Once again, im up for ur criticism..

Bloody hell!

Accidentally deleted my blog!!Aaarrgghh!!I wanna cry..i wrote so much n i spend such a long tym..sori gurls..seem lyke i gottta fully thank u guys in dis blog anoder tym..mayb dis weekend aft im done wif my lesson plan n all..

Menapak jalan yg menjauh
Tentukan arah yg ku mahu
Tempatkan aku pada satu peristiwa
Yg membuat hati lara

Di dekat engkau aku tenang
Sendu matamu penuh tanya
Misteri hidup akankah menghilang
Dan bahagia di akhir cerita

Cinta, tegarkan hatiku
Tak mahu sesuatu merenggut engkau
Naluriku berkata, tak ingin terulang lagi
Kehilangan cinta, hati bagai raga tak bernyawa

Aku junjung petuamu
Cintai dia yg mencintaiku
Hatinya dulu berlayar, kini telah menepi
Bukankah hidup kita akhirnya harus bahagia

Di dekat engkau aku tenang
Sendu matamu penuh tanya
Misteri hidup akankah menghilang
Dan bahagia di akhir cerita

Cinta, tegarkan hatiku
Tak mahu sesuatu merenggut engkau
Naluriku berkata, tak ingin terulang lagi
Kehilangan cinta, hati bagai raga tak bernyawa

Aku junjung petuamu
Cintai dia yg mencintaiku
Hatinya dulu berlayar, kini telah menepi
Bukankah hidup kita akhirnya harus bahagia

Cinta biar saja ada
Yg terjadi biar saja terjadi
Bagaimana pun hidup ini hanya cerita
Cerita tentang meninggalkan
Dan yg ditinggalkan
Cinta

Melly Goeslow & Kris Dayanti / Misha Omar & Jaclyn Victor

Apapun masalah dan kekurangan yg ada pada diriku mahupun dirimu, akan ku cuba terima seadanya.. "Naluriku berkata, tak ingin terulang lagi, kehilangan cinta, hati bagai raga tak bernyawa".. Akan ku terus "cintai dia yg mencintaiku" walau apa sekalipun..Insyaallah..

I was reading my blog and i chanced upon my entry for Sept 11..didnt read it till d end though but i tot of writing on dis Sept 11..

It has been a yr since i got engaged.. alot has happened dis past one yr..ezrie got a job..a tiring one but pays enuff to support him n his mom..in fact, its enuff to support me..

On our first yr engagement anniversary, Ezrie surprised me by literrally dragging me by d hand to Dorothy Perkins at PS. He told me to grab netink i wanted. I was speechless..but of course i was excited n bursting wif joy..

Reading bek my blog n how i claimed ezrie couldnt gimme a big surprise, i was wrong..he has surprised me on more than 1 occassion..i guess gd things do happen to dos who wait..

We’ve been thru alot..we’ve been tested..alhamdulillah we’ve triumphed..honestly im thankful to have met and fallen madly in love wif a responsible guy..he has taken gd care of me..

there r times when i do regret, i do not deny but i can neva give up on him..on us..it’ll b like throwing our effort down d drain..

there are times wen i felt dat d spark is diminishing but ezrie juz refuse to let it die..he’ll always try to keep it burning..n i’ll do all i can to help him..he may not b a selfless romantic but he has made many sacrifices..for me..for us..for our future..

Today is our 2nd yr anniversary..i neva want it to end..i’ll keep on counting till my dying breathe..I love u dear wif all my heart..do love me till im old and hair all white..hehe..

p/s: i noe i’ll still b hot in ur eyes..hahaha!!

irritating ar dis laptop..ive done my entry actualli but ya it had to get fucked up! no wonder i was reali onto getting rid of dis blog..so leceh..

well lets start all over..walaupun da tk smgt aku..

donkey yrs man since ive blogged..d friendster thingy oso more den a mth since i logged in..wanted to get rid of it but wadda hell..

to dos reading dis..SURPRISE!!finally aku rajin nk tulis..hahahah!!tk cayakn tk cayakn..?aku lagi tk percaya..haha!

well..gemuk gemuk gemuk..lengan macam peha baby..hihihihhi!

and den duit kahwin duit kahwin duit kahwin…mcm gini sampai bile pon tk kahwin kahwin..

dun get it?gd!its all swimming in my mind too..hope i can sort it out..me n ezrie..we’ll do gd..

baby steps gurl..faith..be happy and dun worry too much..d secret to eternal youth..

3 things:

*jiggle dos fats away

*save d dough..d crust will oso do

*don compare urself and b jealous..u can neva b hapi

da onli thing is to follow my own preaching n WERK IT!oh gimme strength

  Hehehehehe…I juz gotta start dis blog wif a laugh!Hehe..

Well, my bdae, as some of u know, was on da 22nd of February..which was last Wed..I had a HUGE surprise! In fact, I had 2 HUGE surprises! Hehe..N its all thanx to my superbly crazy frens n darling fiance!

Mayb some of u might b thinking y dis entry came in late..well 1 of da reason is bdae mood la..malas nk update..juz wanted to relive da moment in my head..hehe..sori..

Okies bek to da surprises..

2 daes b4 my bdae, Ezrie was like dying to make me come to his plc based on da excuse dat his mom wanted me 2 come over..so I did go n reach @ his plc ard 12.30pm..da jerk! He was rite in front of da gate lying down n smoking as usual..i didnt suspect a thing! Den i took off my shoes n guess wat was behind da door?? 4 MONKEYS!!Hahahahaha!!!

I was so shocked n surprised dat i keep going "Go to HELL!!" I bet my mouth was so wide, u can fit in a whole fist! It was soo sweet of my dem..Thank u soo much Rashidah, Khaiyisha, Khatijah n Reduan for da two Roti Boy n da Dapur Carpisa! It is a splendid cookbk..a real limited edition reali..hehe..I’m touched..

Well den dey had to go..I had to go too! Dating dgn Ezrie la katekan..hehe..Ezrie’s mom gave me a small token for my  bdae..To tell u guys da truth, it was da first tym i went to his house wif his mom ard in like 4 mths! I was so nervous but at da same i was feeling so over da top..i juz dunno how to explain my feelings at dat tym..But well..i gotta start over sumwhere..

Den Ezrie brought me to suntec..for dos who go der often will noe dat da escalator was down for a reali long tym..i didnt wanna climb dos stairs on my bdae so i told ezrie dat we shud go into suntec by marina but he refused to..he said dat we shud get a drink frm starbucks..

When i got der..i saw Ayu..Oh my gosh!!Aaaarrgghh!!Anoder surprise!! Dis tym, everyone was der..Kak Ti, Ayu, Nurul, Fizah n even Arafah! N of course my 4 buds..Khat, Rash, Khai and Reds were der too! Again I kept going "Go to HELL!!!" I almost had a heart attack! I was speechless..

Da gurls had a cake for me(blackforest) n lotsa pictures were taken! Kak Ti, Khat, Ayu, Nurul, Fizah n Arafah gave me a voucher frm Dorothy Perkins..how sweet..Thanx gurls!!

After da whole surprise we went our seperate ways n Ezrie brought me to lunch n den we watched a movie..Final Destination 3..gerekz!

We planned to walk at esplanade den go bek to his plc to collect his stuff to go bek to camp..den he promised to send me hm..but den office called..he had to go n help out due to Jayaratnam’s death..haizz..spoiler!(no offence to da deceased..)so we had to rush to his plc n den hm..haizz..

Well even so..i did hv a GREAT tym! It was a very unforgettable bdae! Thank u all so very much..u dunno how  much it means to me..hehe..

p/s: Thanx mummy n papa for da glamourous handbag n princess card n mami nor n family 2 for da funny car sign n dat cute teddy card! Love u all!

double p/s: Thanx dear for dat gorgeous blouse u bought me(which I wore on my bdae)! I love u so very much! Muacks! Hehe..

Ola all!

Im updating dis blog on my hm PC dat has juz been reboot! N ders notink left! My pics, files n even Microsoft office is gone! My life has been a living nightmare..!

But I still get to update dis blog..so Arafah, dis one’s to appease u..hehe..

Btw I’ll b getting bek my laptop on mon so i can finally put sum pictures in dis blog..Wuhoo!

Okies let’s get to da jeez..Valentine’s Dae..Exactly how important izzit? Celebration of lurve? Don’t we celebrate it everyday? Mayb sum will tink dat dis is coming frm 1 who is unable to afford to celebrate it or is stingy..but is dat it? U guys judge for urself..

For me, Valentine’s juz like any other dae n even if I had a date, it’s juz like any other date..Well i did go out on a date on Valentine’s Day..Went makan with Ezrie at Arnold’s(wat’s new, wat’s hot n wat’s not? mkn jela keje kite..hehe!)..He blanja..Den we took a long walk along the streets of geylang..I felt it was special juz having him with me..beside me..holding me..It would juz b selfish to ask for more knowing his disposition..I love him n accept him for juz da way he is..

Well, while walking, der was dis couple who were walking opp our direction n da lady was holding a big bouquet of undeniably gorgeous roses..She was like looking at me n hving dat smug on her face..N i was thinking..so?? So wat if u receive a big bouquet?? Does it mean da guy reali loves u? Does it mean da guy will stay wif u 4eva?? Or does it juz mean dat da guy is trying to flaunt his riches n how romantic he is to others?? Is dat sincere? All i did wen she looked at me was to hold Ezrie closer to me..N sumhow it did comfort me.. 

Hey all..! My comp crash rabak seh! It’s not onli my home comp..even my laptop cable gone case..N to top it all up, my laptop’s not local..it’s frm China n i have been waiting for 3 weeks for da parts to come..how unlucky!

It’s my bro’s bdae todae..I got him a bag..AGAIN..!Haizz..Same color concept lak tu..Gonna go Seoul Garden to eat ltr..Hope Ezrie can come along..

My bdae’s coming up soon too..Dunno if I wanna hv a bdae party for myself or not..thought of combining my bdae celebrations wif Ezrie’s cousin, Faizal..dat’ll b cool..

For now, I gotta finish both Tajul’s n Rosnani’s presentations first..I’ll think abt da bdae thingy during my study break frm 18/2 - 26/2..Hopefully i can do dat bdae celebration thingy..mayb even as a surprise for Faizal..Hope he wont b reading my blog..In fact I’ll doubt he’ll do anything like dat..hehe..

Guess dat’s all for now..Btw..I MISS DRAMA!!!